News Headlines: Tuesday 1 April 2014

Traffic Lights That Bark Invented To Help Blind People Cross Roads Disability Now

In a recent study, ten blind people reported being unable to recognise the sound made by the buttons they press at traffic lights to cross the road. So a group of sensitive scientists at the University of Kent decided to create buttons which would make the sound most familiar to this target group. As a result of their hard work, from April 1st, 2014, you may hear your local traffic lights barking. Please don’t be surprised!

Chocolate Wheelchairs Enable Paralysed Patients To Walk Again Able Magazine

Have you recently become a wheelchair user? Do you want to walk again? If the answer to both these questions is ‘yes,’ you will love chocolate wheelchairs. Eating one of these sweet treats a day will reportedly enable paralysed patients to regain movement in their legs. Unfortunately, these do not work for anyone who has been unable to walk since birth.

Tea Cures Cerebral Palsy Bobath News

We write to inform you that we have discovered a simple, yet miraculous, cure for Cerebral Palsy. Tea. After over 30 years of research into what was previously considered a lifelong condition, we have recently discovered that one cup of tea a day permanently keeps Cerebral Palsy away. We invite all patients and their families to the Centre from 9am on Tuesday, April 1st, where we will be pleased to present each family with a year’s free supply of PG Tips before we close down and celebrate the retirement of all our staff.

Disability Friendly Baked Beans Created By Heinz Tesco Magazine

Ever wanted to eat a  baked bean shaped like a guide dog or a white stick? Well, now you can, as these new inclusive bean shapes will be available at your local Tesco store from midnight on Tuesday, April 1st. We hope that disabled people will enjoy being able to eat essential pieces of equipment for breakfast, and that the experience will prove educational for everyone else.

Disability Campaigner Cured! Same Difference

The UK’s number 1 disability blog, Same Difference, reports that it has closed down as of midnight on Tuesday, April 1st. Editor Samedifference1 finds her lifelong disability cured after drinking a million cups of tea in one day and reports that she has decided to spend the rest of her professional life as a paid journalist for the Daily Mail.