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News Headlines: April 1 2015

April 1, 2015
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Driverless Electric Wheelchair Invented- Disability Now

This year’s Best New Accessible Invention Award at NAIDEX was awarded to a group of technology experts at the University of Kent who have invented- wait for it- driverless electric wheelchairs. Using the technology behind driverless cars, they hope to provide disabled people who have previously been unable to use electric wheelchairs because they lack movement in their hands with a whole new level of independence. The wheelchairs will be on sale from midnight on Wednesday, April 1st and will cost £1Billion each. Happy Fundraising!

Chocolate Lips Act As A Sweet Communication Aid- Able Magazine

From the inventors of chocolate eyeballs, chocolate ears and chocolate noses come chocolate lips! Eating one of these sweet treats daily for the rest of your life is said to restore speech lost through a stroke or similar aquired brain injury. Sadly, these are not thought to work for people who have lacked verbal communication since birth. However, Stephen Hawking is said to be very excitedly awaiting delivery of a million packets.

Cheese Cures Cerebral Palsy- Bobath News

We write to inform you that a miraculous and surprising cure for Cerebral Palsy has recently been discovered. One of our senior physiotherapists often discusses lunch choices with her favourite patient. During one of these discussions, she found out that the patient, a lifelong fan of pizzas and cheese sandwiches, has experienced a very significant improvement in function after eating cheese as part of her lunch every day for a month. We plan to provide all our patients with a month’s free supply of cheese products starting on Wednesday, April 1st, to test this theory. We request that you feed your child a cheese product once a day for a month. If our theory is proved successful, we will close the Centre with regret at the end of April and dedicate our time to researching the lives of our founders, the Bobaths.

Potato Wheelchairs To Go On Sale- Tesco Magazine

From the creators of educational potato favourites Alpha-Bites comes a new educational and inclusive food- potato wheelchairs. Tesco will sell this new product with pride and pleasure at your local store from Wednesday, April 1st. We hope this will make disabled children proud to be wheelchair users and teach others what wheelchairs look like!

Blind Easter Bunnies– The Tablet

Easter Greetings, readers. We would like to invite you to your local Catholic Church at Midday on Wednesday, April 1st, where after a special pre-Easter Mass, the child in your life will be given a free Easter Egg by a blind Easter Bunny who will be guided by a white stick. We hope this will make disabled children feel welcomed and included in Church life, as well as teaching non disabled children that animals can be disabled, too. Yes, even the Easter Bunny.

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  1. WOMEN'S PENSION 60. AGAINST TAX ALLOWANCE LOSS 65 / PENSION LOSS WIDOWS, HOUSEWIVES, POOR WORKERS's avatar
    WOMEN'S PENSION 60. AGAINST TAX ALLOWANCE LOSS 65 / PENSION LOSS WIDOWS, HOUSEWIVES, POOR WORKERS permalink
    April 1, 2015 1:30 pm

    Ah the driverless electric wheelchair, excellent.

    Could we have one for the mobility scooter just as well.

    To get round tight turns in trying to hold a door open whilst driving the scooter through the doorway.

    Especially disabled lifts in WH Smiths where the post office has been put upstairs, and then have roped off snaking queue lines with impossible tight turns and at the end pack the exit point with cardboard seller points, making even narrower.

    A rear micro camera with flip up screen on the front dashboard, to help in reversing, because we don’t have the owl’s swivel head.

    A sensor to automatically stop the scooter, when pedestrians walk right in front of you, across your path, as if you were walking.

    A sensor to automatically stop your scooter against kamikaze kids who run at speed backwards in pedestrianised areas to endeavour to sneak under your scooter wheels.

    A flip up cardboard person to give the appropriate retort when you get up out of wheelchair or scooter to go a few paces, to the sneering glare from a public long past caring less.

    And of course the price would be affordable to politicians of all parties, on expenses, as the end of the DLA and the new PIP will be taxed.

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